Monday, March 14, 2011

Today I napped

While Nathan and Sydney both slept I took a nap.
I rested my head on my pillow, while my sink was full of dirty sippy cups, while there was clean laundry sitting in the dryer needing to be folded, while my floors needed to be mopped from the weekend. But I laid in my bed and slept. Because my kids were both sleeping. And I needed to rest, I needed to charge my soul for the rest of the sick filled day.

Lately I have been feeling very guilty. As a mom and a "home maker"
Before I became pregnant with Sydney I HATED letting Nathan be away from me. In fact I rarely allowed it. He was with me 99% of his life. Then I got pregnant and ill. I needed help, I was so sick it was hard for me to give him the energy and excitement he needed daily. So I started letting my mom watch him once in a while. So he could be filled with love and energy and the star of her day. He needed that time with her, he deserved that time with her, he LOVES spending time with her. But it hurt ME to let him go.

I promised myself once I had Sydney things would go back to normal. He would have his energy filled days back, a second baby would not slow us down and his life would be everything it was before.

And now she is here. She is wonderful, and prefect, and I love her to death. But how do I balance two? How do I shake this guilt I feel? When one had my soul attention and they both need it. I don't feel like I'm giving Nathan enough of me right now. I'm letting my parents have him too often. I look forward to the weekends when he goes on quick trips to Home Depo with dada. Things i used to insist on doing with them so we could all be together. I'm not the one to tuck him into bed at night.

Does he know that he means the world to me? That I'm sitting here in tears because i feel like I'm not doing enough with just him.

Is this normal? Will this feeling pass? With time will i be able to tuck them both in at night, get the kitchen cleaned, the laundry folded, showered and still be a good wife??
I want to be, I try to be, I strive to be the best momma, wife, home maker, daughter, daughter in law, friend, person possible. But am I actually doing enough? And I filling those shoes that seem so huge today?

I guess all it comes down to is the best I can do, and lately with sick babies I feel spread thin, I feel like i should be the one cuddling both kids all the time. But how? I guess that why parenting isn't meant to do alone, right? Tomorrow I strive to do better, as with each new day. I needed that nap, I needed that rest so I could do my best to give Nathan the fun filled, playful mom he has come to know and love. This dishes will be there in the morning, and so will the laundry, I mean that's why there's a "fluff" setting right?


  1. Totally normal. I felt this way after Matthew was born. I felt like one of my kids was being neglected at all times. You will get over it. They don't both need your attention all the time. It will get easier, the fact that you have two sick kids right now makes everything seem a lot worse then it really is.

    I like you, love spending all of my time with my kids so that is one reason why I may not have anymore. I don't like spreading my time too thin.

    Keep it up, you're doing great!

  2. I don't really know what to tell you, other than I hope you can feel love cominf from Colorado! Feeling guilty sucks, especially when you feel it about things you love so much. But I bet if you asked them, they'd tell you that you're trhe best mommy any little kid could have, and the best wife a guy could ask for. Emotions are totally normal. It's funny, I'm sort of looking forward to baby #2 because I know I'll be more relaxed and easy going and "Sure! You can take BOTH my kids for awhile!" whereas with Greyson, I don't let him out of my sight - just like you!

    Anyway, you're doing awesome. And the only person who's telling you that you aren't, is yourself, so give youself a break! You're beautiful, and loving, and crafty :)

  3. Sweet Morland,
    My wise mother once told me there will always be some household chore to do but there won't always be a baby to hold or toddler to play with so the dishes can wait!
    Its perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed. I felt it after every baby. It will take time to work out a new balance and routine.
    Napping is a good thing, your a new mom again and you need to recharge your battery! Your very fortunate to have family that loves to help and its good for children to have that family connection!
    Love you bunches!