While Nathan and Sydney both slept I took a nap.
I rested my head on my pillow, while my sink was full of dirty sippy cups, while there was clean laundry sitting in the dryer needing to be folded, while my floors needed to be mopped from the weekend. But I laid in my bed and slept. Because my kids were both sleeping. And I needed to rest, I needed to charge my soul for the rest of the sick filled day.
Lately I have been feeling very guilty. As a mom and a "home maker"
Before I became pregnant with Sydney I HATED letting Nathan be away from me. In fact I rarely allowed it. He was with me 99% of his life. Then I got pregnant and ill. I needed help, I was so sick it was hard for me to give him the energy and excitement he needed daily. So I started letting my mom watch him once in a while. So he could be filled with love and energy and the star of her day. He needed that time with her, he deserved that time with her, he LOVES spending time with her. But it hurt ME to let him go.
I promised myself once I had Sydney things would go back to normal. He would have his energy filled days back, a second baby would not slow us down and his life would be everything it was before.
And now she is here. She is wonderful, and prefect, and I love her to death. But how do I balance two? How do I shake this guilt I feel? When one had my soul attention and they both need it. I don't feel like I'm giving Nathan enough of me right now. I'm letting my parents have him too often. I look forward to the weekends when he goes on quick trips to Home Depo with dada. Things i used to insist on doing with them so we could all be together. I'm not the one to tuck him into bed at night.
Does he know that he means the world to me? That I'm sitting here in tears because i feel like I'm not doing enough with just him.
Is this normal? Will this feeling pass? With time will i be able to tuck them both in at night, get the kitchen cleaned, the laundry folded, showered and still be a good wife??
I want to be, I try to be, I strive to be the best momma, wife, home maker, daughter, daughter in law, friend, person possible. But am I actually doing enough? And I filling those shoes that seem so huge today?
I guess all it comes down to is the best I can do, and lately with sick babies I feel spread thin, I feel like i should be the one cuddling both kids all the time. But how? I guess that why parenting isn't meant to do alone, right? Tomorrow I strive to do better, as with each new day. I needed that nap, I needed that rest so I could do my best to give Nathan the fun filled, playful mom he has come to know and love. This dishes will be there in the morning, and so will the laundry, I mean that's why there's a "fluff" setting right?